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I was causing a problem, A big part of me was screaming at myself ~ “Here we go again! I am getting hell for talking about my own life, for expressing my feelings and exposing MY wounds.It was interesting that she told me that; it was as though she was prepared for me to deny that I had said these things to my sister in law. Part of me couldn’t understand why she was upset because so far she wasn’t repeating anything I supposedly said, that I hadn’t actually said.I told my mother that I DID tell my sister in law that, and SO WHAT? However another part of me – the part that was ‘waking up’- knew exactly what was going on. I realized that this confrontation was not going the way my mother expected. I told her that I had not told my sister in law anything that wasn’t true.At this point I had been coming out of the fog for about a year and a half, I had been working with a therapist, I had attended a few workshops about recognizing the abuse of power and control in relationships and I was really catching on to the way that I had been defined by the ways I had been regarded and disregarded by my mother as a child, teenager and adult.So when she said “when you were in Arizona” the first thing that I did was the math and I quickly realized that my mother was talking about something that had happened 8 months prior to this phone call; I immediately recognized that “this incident” which was about me, had been discussed for a very long time behind my back.Here is how it went; The big deal she was referring to was that I had told my sister in law that I was in therapy dealing with some issues and I told her that one of the issues was that I had been sexually assaulted by my mothers boyfriend when I was just shy of 14 years old. She didn’t expect me to actually ask a question indicating that I was not doing anything wrong but although I was aware that I was beginning to feel angry, I was also a little stunned and I didn’t understand what the big deal was.So what if I was talking to my sister in law about what happened to me?Abusers will point at minor issues going down trails leading nowhere designed to confuse the situation in order to discredit you along the way enabling them to be right and to defend their actions and position of power and entitlement.” Darlene Ouimet The final straw is rarely the biggest issue and although the issue that I highlight in the following article may seem like a pretty big one, it was really just another event in a long line of events where I didn’t count.
But the whole time in the back of my mind I was aware that this is how things always went.
I was in trouble because I was doing something that she didn’t like.
My mother ignored my question, and she plowed right ahead with what she wanted to say.
She told me that my sister in law had taken notes about what I told her.
In the case of my mother the final straw was when she called me one day and said that she needed to talk to me about something.
She told me that when I was in Arizona visiting my brother, I had said something to his wife that had caused a bit of a stir.