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Posted by / 03-Aug-2015 19:44

Dating the pastor

They get hired because they can capture the attention of their congregation.

They do this by presenting themselves as having some kind of spiritual or supernatural sensitivity—they wear flowing robes, or bless the bread and wine, or explain Bible passages.

Unlike, perhaps, some of the readers of this article, I actively support full LGBTQ equality, and I do not believe that the only province of sexuality should be the marital relationship. But you, and I, and everyone, universally agree that some classes of sexual behavior are simply acceptable, like child molestation, or sexual assault.

And pastors dating their parishioners—although seemingly more benign at first—actually fits into that category. When you belong to a church, the ministers consult each other about what’s going on in your life—and this can create conflicts of interest if you’re dating one of them In my case, when I grew increasingly frazzled by my relationship with my pastor, I couldn’t go to one of the other ministers and talk about it. This would be like dating your manager, and then going to the CEO of the company for relationship advice.

So I’m writing this document to explain to my friends and family -- and the general public— these rules are in place, and why, increasingly, observers of religion and sexual abuse awareness organizations say that pastor-parishioner relationships should be forbidden.

One more quick point: I’m not the kind of person who frequently tells people how they should behave in their sex lives.

If they didn’t do like this, you wouldn’t be at their church.

When, almost two years ago, I reported the pastor at my church to Episcopal authorities for sexual misconduct after a turbulent “relationship” which led to me attempting suicide, a lot of my friends and family didn’t understand what she had done wrong. Many people (including me, until last year) have never considered the question of whether it’s OK for a pastor to date a parishioner in his or her church.

It was even harder for the people around me to understand why particular pastor’s behavior was improper, because the classic gender roles were reversed: I’m a man, and the minister is a woman.Nonetheless, she was trained in seminary not to make advances at parishioners, and denominational officials and various outside organizations all eventually said that she had violated the basic rules and ethics of ministry.If you fight with your pastor, you’re going to start hating your church. If being part of a stable religious community is at all something that matters to you, then you don’t want to get on an emotional roller-coaster every time you walk down the aisle.This is particularly a problem if there’s only one church you can go to in your town—or, in my case, the was basically the only English-speaking Protestant congregation in Paris, and the theater of the misconduct. No matter what you do, your pastor is going to have at least some charismatic power over you. Ministers are, by definition, experts on God-related stuff.So I couldn’t tell anyone in my church about the biggest problem in my life—and that’s what churches are there for, to help you with the biggest problems in your life. Your emotions toward your church get mixed up with the emotions of your relationship.

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If you’re in crazy infatuation with your pastor, you might start feeling like your church is the greatest place in the world.