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You may be wondering, who could be so petty, so treacherous, so damn evil? Don't you hate it when they say stupid shit like, "You need to do something about that gut," and "Isn't that your fourth slice of sweet potato pie?
" No, bitch, it's my fifth, and I may go for a sixth. That's probably why we've got brothers standing in line -- plenty of them -- and their skinny asses can't get a return phone call.
The Trouble with Skinny Women I really wish I didn't have to write this book, but it appears I have no choice. Which means that the only way I'll ever wear a size six, or even a sixteen, is if you add them together. And because I love me, I've never felt the need to apologize for being my BIG, BEAUTIFUL self.
Especially when BIG girls are still subjected to ridicule simply because we've been blessed with a few extra pounds. But it's hard to be a glamour puss when there are forces in the universe that don't believe BIG girls have a right to showcase our assets. Well, I've got two words to say about that -- hell no!
That's why you won't catch a skinny bitch apologizing for being too damn thin. Shit, I'm so FLUFFY and FABULOUS that if I were to walk into a room with Iman, Naomi, Tyra, and even that original skinny bitch, Barbie, I'd strut my stuff with the grace, finesse, and attitude of the world's finest high-fashion supermodel. Those trees haven't got shit on me, except maybe an eating disorder. Happy to be a THICK girl in an image-conscious industry who's ready to shake some shit up and squash haters that attempt to box me in. Because no one but a dog wants a bone, and even Fido wants one with some damn meat on it. It's time for the skinny sense of superiority to end -- for the stronghold to be broken and the grip loosened. Because as a BIG girl with an even BIGGER mouth, I'm ready to lead the WIDE way, make a BOLD statement, especially in Hollywood where the skinny starve their way to stardom while that other FAT lady is waiting to sing. My motto is either love this BIG ass, or see you later, 'bye.
Hell, Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder could see that. What I've enjoyed is a lifelong love affair with every roll, every lump, and every curve.
I've never had a problem with my doubles -- double chin and double belly. Oh, we may have had a few choice words every now and then, but it was always after some stupid he say/she say bullshit.
Just because we like to get our eat on doesn't mean there shouldn't be room in the spotlight for us to shine, too. What the hell is so attractive about ribs sticking through skin? Now, ribs sticking off the side of a plate, slathered in barbecue sauce, that's a beautiful sight.I guess nibbling lettuce cups and tofu steaks makes folks do some hateful shit. Well, if those toothpicks can celebrate their minimal assets, then I'm going to flaunt this mega-masterpiece, too, all 220 pounds of it. So is a cute, CURVY girl who knows how to work her shit.Why should I hide all this loveliness under big-ass tent dresses?It must be showcased as the masterpiece -- of lovely legs, perky breasts, and the dazzling derriere -- that it is. And saying to yourself, Mo'Nique, girl, stop trippin'.But I've seen the enemy, even witnessed their schemes firsthand, and I'm convinced that the troops on this mission have one goal in mind -- TOTAL DOMINATION. They're a powerful, nimble, and wicked bunch, and damn it, they aren't about to go down without a fierce fight. If your dress size is in the single digits, chances are I'm talking to you. I know because for years, I thought they were my friends, but as time rolled on, it soon became clear that these evil bitches didn't give a damn about my feelings. Well, not if we destroy them, or perhaps trick them with a one-day all-you-can-eat salad special, round them up, and ship their tiny asses off to a sandy island with nothing green on it, just wall-to-wall fried chicken and fast food.
The enemy is on a seek-and-destroy assignment for total destruction -- and BIG girls are the targets. That shit would drive them as crazy as they make me and other BIG girls.